That's it! I declare the hunt officially over. My friend and I had a long discussion the other night and we no longer believe in happy ever after. In fact as the night wore on I became more and more attuned to the fact that it probably never existed, except in Cinderella.
The movies would have us believe that all men are heroes, who sweep you off your feet and you ride off into the sunset together. Too many movies to mention (even men-vies) have a heroic rescue scene to satisfy the female movies goers and girlfriends in the cinema. Even Back to the Future, a popular men-vie trilogy, has a knight in shining armour who sweeps in to save the girl - albeit he is a white haired eccentric professor on a oh-so-realistic hover-board but he still saves her from death. Others too have similar instances: in Blade II the main character almost sacrifice himself in order that his love interest will survive. Superheroes all have love interests and how many times do they use their powers to save the women they love, even if they can't be together.
There are many other examples, not even to mention the chick-flicks, rom-coms and period dramas that all follow women in their quest to be married/be loved. And it has always been this way. Classic novels shadow the female lead through her ups and downs leading to matrimony and interestingly the novels always stop there. Jane Austen and her contemporaries seemed to believe that women's lives ended at this point, once you were married it was all over, there was nothing more of interest to the reader, the women have fulfilled their potential, the novel ends. Modern movies have us believe that too, hence the term happy-ending. How many times have you seen the women 'get her man' and we all leave the cinema fulfilled and buoyant.
I mean, it is just not realistic but we are fed this in both visual and written format right from when we are knee-high. Children's movies are often great romances too: Beauty and the Beast, The Little Mermaid, Snow White all have heroines who manage to secure royalty as their husbands (a holy grail never actually accomplished except for literally a handful of people who are in the right place at the right time). Being spoon-fed this for so long we expect it, we expect to get this and then are disappointed when we don't.
So, my new thing is to expect nothing - that way I can never be disappointed. Now, I don't want to sound bitter because I'm not (much) but I just don't buy into the notion that there is only one guy out there for me. I think that is very dangerous territory. That would also mean that I accept that I am incomplete now and I refuse to do that. I think I can learn a lot from every relationship that I have but no one person is going to complete me. Now, my friends (the married ones) say that it is only because I haven't met 'him' yet but what if I never meet him? I have to acknowledge that as a possibility and then what - if I don't meet this 'fictitious' man I have to spend my life as a half-person, never fulfilling my true potential. I can't believe that. I am whole and fine as I am now and will continue to be with or without a man. Anyway I wouldn't want to put that sort of pressure on anyone, that it is his destiny purely to be my other half. What if he wants his own destiny? and I definitely don't want to be seen as just the other half of him. Although sometimes the most beautiful thing to be intertwined with a man, sometimes the extrication is just as beautiful, to know that when you close your front door after him that you are still you, still whole, not wanting.
So now after our discussion we are out, as women who don't believe in the happy ending and just believe in making sure the ride we have is fun. If anything comes of it, great but that a ring is not the be all and end all of my life. You see, as a man if I made a success of my professional life and chose never to marry, I would be considered a bachelor playboy and would still be worthy of my friends and colleagues admiration but to be in the same position as a woman I would be pitied no matter how much money or success I had. What is this inherent need to marry and reproduce? Does everyone have it? I know women who have chosen not to have children, just because they are physically able but choose not to does that make their decision wrong? If you had a beautiful voice but chose to pursue some other avenue would that be a waste? In this world where we have so many choices it is inevitable that we have to say no to some options.
The further I get from the age that I thought I would be married by the more cynical I become. I don't want to be cynical, it is a natural progression following the tears, lies, heartache and break-ups which have littered my adult life. All my friends (bar the one above) are married or in long term relationships leading directly to the altar, two of them are pregnant, two already have babies. As much as I want to be happy for them, all their cosy contentment reminds me of my lack of it. Until now. Today is the day of my mental switch, the day I stop expecting men to be my life and just let them be a part of it with no strings attached. Just fun and frolicking, ok, maybe not frolicking exactly but you get the idea. And I would just like to clarify that I am not going to become a slut, well not much of one (!) and I am going to use this blog to chart mine and my friends adventures with members of the opposite sex. Let's just hope that something interesting happens!
