This is going to come as a shock to many people but I am not exactly what one would term a connoisseur when it comes to the male member. I have had some experience and seen a number, in both the on and off positions. I can't actually remember the first time I saw one - I mean it obviously made so little impression on me that the vision of it is lost in the ether of my mind or it shocked me so much that the memory was suppressed. I felt a lot of them through clothing and various grinding positions and, probably like many young women was a bit afraid of them until I was fully deflowered. The first time I really got to study one was one of my first boyfriends (the one who did the deflowering) and he allowed me to play and discussed all the little irregularities and idiosyncrasies that men have. That was an interesting game! I always thought myself very lucky with him, looking back, his was one of the nicest that I have ever come across and although it wasn't the first that I had seen, it was the first that I 'felt' in 'that way'. It did become my yardstick, he would probably be quite proud if I ever told him that, so if by any chance he's reads this - hey, it's true.
Until eighteen months or so ago I considered myself very fortunate compared to the horror stories that I had heard from my friends. I had never seen a bent one, a small one, anything slightly out of the ordinary, up until then my penis experience was pretty fantastic actually but then the end of 2006 hit and I was blindsided by a spate of bad ones. It got pretty horrific. First there was Matt. He was a friend of a friend of mine - a very good-looking chap, taller than me, stocky - I have to admit I had expectations. We dated for a bit, late nights out in London, you know the drill. After a few dates I obviously got touchy-feely and felt for it but had trouble locating said appendage. It was winter and there were many garments but after 15 or so seconds of fumbling against his trousers I had to give up, nothing would look worst than admitting yeah, sorry can't find it! I changed the 'trying-to-locate-a-penis-to-squeeze-it' move into a general torso/body rub and then pressed my body against his hoping he hadn't noticed my inability to locate his member. The terrible thing was I started to doubt myself then. Now, even then, I was not an inexperienced girl but all those pre-virginity loss paranoid feelings swamped me. Had I felt in the right region? Maybe he didn't have one? It never occurred to me that it might just be too small to be found. The answers would all come later. Our next few dates went fine and then came the time for him to come back to mine. When he undressed I was a little concerned as there really wasn't much there. He hadn't drunk that much and this should have been a warning sign I guess but he couldn't get it up either. I did and said all the usual stuff about it not being a big deal but after weeks of anticipation and great kissing I was mildly frustrated, ok, ok, more than mildly frustrated, fucking pissed off would be a more accurate description. Again though, being the understanding person that I am and pushing the fact that I had been unable to locate his hard member to the back of my mind I figured maybe he was a grower, a big lad like that can't be this small. I am saddened to report that the following week when I went to his and the relationship was finally consummated, my worst fears were indeed confirmed. Now I am not loose down there, guys I have been with have had issues getting in before now but this - I am ashamed to say I had my first (and only, thank God!) 'Is it in?' moment. Can we just imagine...it was awful but not satisfied with that, fate dealt me another blow - the condom fell off - ok, you may have to read that again but it was so small the condom came off! This was a great start. Afterwards, as he slept I remember lying in his bed and thinking that I was one of those women, one of those women that men hate. A woman who is only interested in a big dicks who just happen to have a guy attached. I didn't want to be that but I couldn't help what I felt. Nothing. I felt nothing as I lay there. All that flirting and kissing, all that shit and for me there was no payoff, he got his rocks off and I was just left, as was, all revved up and no place to go - you get the idea. All those times I had heard from my friends the 'it's not the size it is what you do with it' speeches I had half listened, basking in the warm glow of my big-cocked past. Now, I was faced with having to trot out that tired old speech myself, only now did I start to question it. Did they really believe that? Maybe they were with men who gave great head even though they were poorly endowed. I was with a guy who was limited in both equipment and imagination, if tonight was anything to go by. I hankered for the good old days and my yardstick came into my minds eye, this guy was falling pretty short. I know that this sounds so shallow and confirms men's worst fears about women but I was disappointed and the cavewoman inside me wanted to feel a real cavemans club, not some limp sapling. He didn't make an effort - that is the important point. It was all about him, though I am not sure quite how he was stimulated either but he seemed to manage. Anyway, we split, inevitably. I thought I will just put it behind me, my next biggun is just around the corner. How wrong I was......
We split in the March, the next exciting installment in my rollercoaster introduction to the bad cocks hall of fame was called Lenny. He came (appropriate choice of words! Sorry!) later that summer. Now there are certain details that I will omit as this blog entry is purely about the penis and I hate to have to say the next sentence but this blog is also about honesty so here it goes - it was tapered. It did get very narrow, it must have been half the diameter at the tip that it was at the base. Now this was another new experience for me but there is more and this portion more than the tapering made my girlfriends pull faces of disgust when it was mentioned in subsequent conversations. He wasn't circumcised. Now I have seen a variety of cut and uncut ones but when hard most uncut 'peek out' if you catch my drift but there was none of that, even when fully erect it was still like a roll neck. It was actually repulsive - the whole situation. Ugh! I have to move on, forgive me. Maybe the next one would be good but as they say these things come in threes...
Next came Jimmy a few months after, it was another brief affair. His was probably the worst of the bunch, no, actually I refute that, it is probably just as it was most recent and so is freshest in my mind. Even describing it brings back memories that make me want to retch! I am just going to dive staight in and will use his words so you can get the full effect (this was said over the phone) 'it has quite a bulbous end which will give you pleasure'. I mean doesn't that just sound gross. Getting to this bulbous end, which many penises have and can be both ornamental and useful, this was neither. Jesus wept, it was shocking because the bulbous 'end' took up half the cock! Not that said cock was especially small, it was a respectable 5 inches or so with a reasonable girth but the so-called 'end' took up more than 2 inches. The end's circumference was also a lot more than the cocks so it had the look of a circular hair brush. Oh God, the memories - I am going to have to stop again.
Moving swiftly on. There is no point in denying it, I was scarred, horribly scarred: mentally, spiritually, I was spent.
The next man in my life was Tim (from NA blog fame!) again, he also appeared briefly back there between Lenny and Jimmy so if you have read that entry you will be aware that there was no willy-waving in this brief encounters at all. I never saw it, I never even touched it.
And then there was Trey. When we dated I was scared to even touch it through his clothes. I was afraid of a repeat of the Matt situation. Until we actually saw each other naked I never went near it, he must have thought I was a bit weird but even when we stood infront of each other in just our underwear I had to force myself to slide my hand down between our bodies to get it. That first time I felt it relief flooded me, an actual feeling of physical warmth ran through my whole body and once I had it I didn't want to ever let it go. It was beautiful, to look at, to touch, to feel, to have everywhere! It is my new yardstick. Although that relationship didn't last Trey single-handedly brought me back from the brink, from the dread that was starting to engulf me that I had run out of hot cocks and had only poor ones left. I love him for that alone.
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